Attachment & Relationships
Somewhere along the way, you create a rulebook in your head about how relationships work. Who you can count on. How much of your needs are acceptable. What happens if you let someone be close to you. You didn’t do this intentionally. You wrote this book as a kid, with the information you had at the time.
The book might say things like:
- You can get close to someone, but always keep a bag packed just in case.
- If you need something, do it yourself. Relying too much on others is dangerous.
- Read the room constantly. Your job is keeping everyone comfortable.
- People always leave, so leave first. Or make yourself so irreplaceable that they can’t live without you.
That manual was perfect for what you knew at the time. Maybe you had a caregiver who was unpredictable, violent or neglectful, and so you learned to predict their every move and meet their needs before they could hurt you. Maybe you moved a lot or struggled with poverty, and learned to best way to stay safe in chaos is it to be in control at all times. Or maybe you experienced abandonment and learned to avoid getting hurt is by avoiding people altogether. The problem is, you’ve grown up and escaped those conditions, yet these patterns are still running the show in your relationships
This is attachment work. We read the rulebook together, figure out where each rule came from, and thank it for its service before revising it. We determine which of your internalized beliefs serves you and which are getting in your way.
What this looks like in practice
We’ll look at the relationships in your life right now, the patterns that keep repeating, and what they are trying to accomplish. I’ll bring in IFS language and exercises to assist you in the deconstruction and rebuilding of the narrative of your life, and your sense of self.
Our relationship will be a safe place to you to learn how to feel secure in your relationships. If you feel hurt or misunderstood in our sessions by something I have said or done, or have doubts or insecurities about our dynamic, I encourage you to voice those to me so that we can work towards a repair.
Over time, the goal is to help you reconnect to others in a way that feels safe, healthy and authentic.